A Hand to the Heartsick Hope
by ProcurerFaith
Summary: Repost. Branches Story 02 - Matt watches TK from afar; unable to touch or comfort him in his grief until TK opens his heart to Matt's presence.


_**Disclaimer: **__I do not own Digimon. All Digimon characters are owned by Toei and A. Hongo and such. I am making no money from this fic. It is a just-for-fun project. The only bit I own is my own characters and the way the words are put together. _

_**Author's Note; 16**__**th**__** June 2008**__ – So much for putting up all the fics in reverse chronological order :-P Remember, edits may not quite appear as you remember them, as I'm hashing together the beta and the original uploads. I do not plan to come back and amend this work (if I start picking holes in it, I'll never stop XD)._

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_**A Hand to the Heartsick Hope**_

_**A Sequel to 'And I Forgot to Tell You That I Love You'**_

It wasn't.

Your fault, that is.

What happened to me.

TK, I wish you would put those photographs down. I hate to see you this way.

And yes, I remember Tai and the burger bar incident. I told him 'no photographs please' as per usual and he ignored me. I had mayonnaise all over my face. I didn't _really_ want my picture taken right then.

Tai just never learned how to interpret the word 'no'. If you're wondering why I'm smiling, it's because I'm assuming he still doesn't know.

I remember mom's 'dresser drawer' pictures. Yeah, I hated that showing everybody thing she had going, too. I'm glad you stopped her. I also remember the one on the beach. How could I forget?

I wish I could communicate with you properly- instead of talking without you listening. I'm right here, listening to _you_.

Don't look at me that way, TK. Don't look at me in those bad photographs, little brother. I wasn't really there then, that wasn't really me. I wasn't in any pain, I was totally unaware of what was going on around me. I think I'd already moved on when they were taken.

I know they're scary. I know you hate them.

Well, then put them down, you idiot!

I'm begging you TK, do what needs to be done with them, for your sake and Dad's. Throw them away. Tear them up, just get them out of the apartment.

I want you to remember me how you always saw me.

I hope it was in a good light.

I always tried to do what was best for you, TK. Sometimes I think I tried too hard- I know you sometimes resented it.

I'm sorry if I was over-protective. I'm sorry if…

Crap.

I never was any good at this feelings stuff.

It breaks my heart to look at you now. So pale and thin and sad. The brother I knew was _never_ this heartsick. All this is because of me?

I remember that day really clearly as well. You were so late up that you fell over the coffee table trying to get your shoes on- that was when I decided that if I didn't help you, we'd never get out of the place.

On the morning before grocery night, pickings were slim. Mom didn't have much in the kitchen to salvage for lunch. I had to make up for it somehow. The can of coke was sitting in my bag and I knew you'd appreciate it more than me. Especially with that little 'no sugar soda' idea Mom had. It's as simple as that. I don't know why the note- I guess I just felt like it. I was feeling…big brothery.

Does that make sense?

And yes, I've seen it by your bed.

It was just a note, TK.

Nothing special. But then, I guess for it to be there, it must be special to _you_.

You asked how we got to that point. What, with the argument? Actually, I'm pretty sure that was _my_ fault, squirt.

I think I'm right in saying I said some bad stuff, too. Remember?…

"So? I didn't _ask _you to go in and save Gabumon."

"Matt, that was cold! What's wrong with you?!"

I felt guilty. That's what was wrong with me. I hadn't been able to save Gabumon when he really needed it. He must have felt so deserted.

If I could have coped with my feelings better, I'd have opened up to you then and told you I was being cold because I felt bad. I know you would have understood. But I never could open up properly about the important stuff. Not even to you.

It made me mad, because you never normally saw me like that. You know that was a face I kept for the rest of the world- not for you. And so because I was already mad, that made my reactions worse.

"Nothing's wrong with me, except for you going on about last night!"

For a moment, you were silent, and I cursed myself when I heard the hurt in your next words.

"You should have come."

"I didn't hear the digivice! How could I come if I didn't know anything was wrong? I mean, did you call me?"

"No."

"Then you could have done and you didn't."

Then I felt even more guilty. Blaming you, my little brother, for my own shortfalls. What kind of a guy did that make me?

"I didn't think of it."

"No."

I saw the frown deepen on your face from the corner of my eye.

"Anyway, don't make me out to be the bad guy here. You spend so much time with your band, I'm surprised you even know the world is still turning!"

"Stop it now, TK."

"I mean, isn't Gabumon more important?"

"Seriously, TK, don't go there."…

You say you saw the look of hurt on my face. You know what that was for? It wasn't just because what you said hit home. It was because I'd failed Gabumon- because I was failing you by trying to find a way to shift blame. There was no way you were responsible for Gabumon needing help- or for me not giving it. As you so rightly said, y_ou _had to go into the Digiworld and save _my _Digimon. And I couldn't even _thank_ you for it.

I walked away because I was embarrassed. I was so ashamed of what I had said to you, that I couldn't face you anymore. I might have looked hurt, but you looked just as pained.

I _was_ hurt, but it's like I say. It wasn't _just _what you said.

Do you feel any better now?

Yes. I was hit by the car because I was an idiot and I wasn't looking where I was going. I got hit by the car because I was thinking of our argument- but more than that, I was thinking of what I was going to say the next time I saw you. Of how I could say sorry without losing any face.

I'd swear that car was _not_ there when I looked. I'd swear it. But before I knew it, I was staring a startled driver in the face- and that's the last thing I remember. I don't remember any pain, any blood- anything. So I couldn't have suffered much.

I _think_ I heard Dad's voice _once_. Begging me to live. If I'd had the choice, I'd have complied. It's strange- when you want to take your own life, that's _one _thing. When suddenly it's your life being taken _away_ from you, you want to fight for it tooth and nail.

I guess my body didn't want it enough.

Although I'd like to say my last thought was of you, I think it was more along the lines of, 'Oh, sht, that's a car.' I'm pretty sure that the thought before the last one was of you, though.

And it was 'I'm sorry, TK.'

It was 'I'm sorry, TK, for being such a damned bad brother. I should never have yelled at you for something that was my fault. I never fight with you- I don't like doing it. I'm sorry.'

I never got the chance to say it to you. For your sake, I wish I had. It would save you so much grief now, so much anger and guilt. I don't like to see it in you- it's not at all your way.

It's not what I'm used to.

But then, this isn't what _you're _used to.

Not having me around.

Permanently, I mean.

The sea is really calm today, squirt. You'd love it. It's warm and the beach is covered in white sand. I almost wanna take you back with me- but in order for me to do that, you'd have to be dead. You've got a lot of lifetime left before you get here, even if I do look forward to it.

Did that sound mean?

I hope not. I meant it in the best possible way. I want you to be here because then I can finally tell you my death wasn't your fault. I can't even speak with you through your dreams, you're so tuned out to me.

I wouldn't have believed it. We were always so close, but when I died it was as if I simply didn't exist at all for you anymore. I don't know if in time that will fade. I'd like to think so. I don't know if it's your intense grief- which I wish you _wouldn't feel_- that's making you believe so hard that I've gone for good. I'd like to think that you'll open up to me and eventually know that I'm keeping my promise.

I promised I'd never leave you again, remember? That day in the Digiworld? I'm not breaking that promise for anybody.

When you're out there by the sea, it smells so pure. You know how I love the sea, TK. You sit there, and you feel it's spray on your face. Then the warm breeze dries it, leaving the salt on your skin. You can almost taste the sea salt in the air. The sun is always setting and the sea is always red. Thinking on it, I'm making that sound like a bad thing but really it's not. It's breathtaking. The sound of the waves breaking on the sand is always there, soothing you.

I wish you could know it's peace right now.

I _am _here. And it _doesn't_ help to know that you're crying. It _never_ did. It helps even less to know that I can't comfort you, that I can't tell you everything is fine and that you're stupid, and that it doesn't matter. I want to, because I hate to see how you're hurting. And it really _doesn't_ matter. Not now.

I want to reach out to you so badly. I want to be able to make all that guilt go away, because you can't go around carrying the weight of the wind on your shoulders TK, it's not good for you. I don't hold _anything _against you- so why should you hold anything against yourself?

Well- except maybe my copy of 'I'll Always Love You' that you scribbled all over when you were two- I _loved_ that book. Yes, that's a joke. Laugh. Please TK. Laugh at _something_.

You didn't do anything wrong. The car killed me because I was stupid, because I didn't look properly when I was crossing the road, because I wasn't thinking sensibly- _not _because you failed me. Not because _you _failed me- but because I failed _myself_. It was _my_ decision to stomp off and act like a jerk. You had no control over that- I'm not somebody you want to cross when my mood is that sour. You know that.

I really wish you would get rid of those photographs. Apart from anything else, they disturb _me_. I don't remember being like that. I don't want to remember myself like that, either. I don't want to think of me relying on machines for my life. And neither do you.

The day of the funeral you weren't alone with your grief. _I_ was with you. When you were laying in your bed, crying… I was standing over you, watching you- wishing you would stop. Wishing the pain away.

I had to laugh, though, when Tai came in. The whole thing with him asking if he could come in and you saying no, then Tai telling you he was coming in anyway was…well, _funny_. So much a Tai thing. I was glad he turned up. He was right, you shouldn't have been alone right then. You needed friends around you. For a whole week you had been pushing them away, embracing your grief so hard that anybody who wanted to get close would have needed a crowbar to separate you from it- even for a second. Almost as if you were grieving because you owed me, as if you were making it your duty to be the primary mourner. Again, Tai was right- and you know how I hate to say that. I _never_ wanted to see you grieve that hard. Sure, I don't want to be forgotten- nobody does- but by that same thing I don't want you to go on grieving forever. You mourn like it's a piece of your heart missing.

I wasn't that important…Was I?

I heard all the nice things you and the guys said about me. And you know what?

You made me cry.

Yes, you heard that right.

You made me _cry_.

I kinda wished that you'd all said them when I was alive- it would have made me feel so much better about myself. Having said that, it was nice to hear them at all.

I was amazed to hear that Joe was jealous of me and my harmonica. If he'd asked me, I'd have taught him how to play.

There were so many other things, too. Like the moment Mimi told everybody about the brief period in which she wanted to go out with me. And I mean, _brief_. The space of about a day. When she told me about it, I went red and found any possible excuse to run away.

I know you remember that, because you actually laughed when she said it- you were almost back to the old TK again…

"Does anybody remember trying to procure a ride to Heighton View Terrace and Matt trying to get somebody's attention- only managing to attract a proposition from a woman in a red Porsche?" Izzy grinned behind his hand. Tai laughed out loud,

"I don't think any of us will forget that in a hurry!"

"It was kinda funny. Although at the time I didn't really get what she wanted." You said.

"I hope you still don't get it now!" exclaimed Tai, covering your ears. You grinned suddenly. The room stared, awestruck at this sudden turn of events. You were smiling and it was like a beam of sunshine through heavy cloud cover. Nobody had seen that since the day before I died.

Well, except me, anyway.

"I didn't know your brother so well, TK, but I guess he always stood up for what he believed in. That meant he stood against me more than once." Davis lowered his head and bowed.

"Yeah, but sometimes you asked for it." Kari said, a small smile creasing her lips. I think Davis was resisting the urge to react to that at the time. I never really meant anything against him anyway. He was your friend- the whole time what he did to you was at a level you could happily cope with, I'd back him.

You shrugged.

"It doesn't matter now."

"I guess I can be really disrespectful." Davis continued.

You shrugged again.

"He wouldn't hold it against you."

No, he wouldn't. To be honest, I'd forgotten all about it. Bigger fish to fry.

"Matt was a very private person in some ways- very sensitive and not really prepared for the world in general." Kari stated. I stared at her.

How come she knew me so well?

"But you knew him better than anyone, TK." Kari said softly, looking at you square in the eye. That is, until a few seconds later when you pulled away from her gaze.

"Yeah. I knew which buttons to press and which ones to leave alone." You said, sadly- an ominous tone in your voice.

Tai brought the mood back up with;

"Hey, maybe I should count all the scars I have from our fights?" He laughed.

I think you were lost in your own thoughts again then, because you didn't respond.

Tai got off the bed for a second, after elbowing you lightly in the ribs.

"Hey, TK?"

"Mmm?"

"You want me to get you a drink?"

"No."

"Come on, you're gonna dehydrate there with all that wet stuff coming out of your eyes."

I loved what Tai did right then. He was doing something I couldn't do anymore- he was taking care of you. It's as if he's just taken you on like he has _two_ younger siblings. He's still looking after you- it's okay, I don't mind. He's always been better at it, anyway. I'd rather you had somebody I can trust looking after your interests right now. I think you're still too disturbed to look after your own.

When you fought with Tai, you both made me cry again. The fervour of your anger against Tai's unyielding courage- I guess he didn't get that crest for nothing. I wanted to smack the _both_ of you for being so upset, not just you.

Tai was right- about everything. I didn't want you to be so upset, it was my fault I walked out in front of the car, and I don't mind that you turned to him for comfort. I know Tai's been missing me too- I'd never have been able to guess how much until that day. He cried so hard with you that I thought he'd cry his eyes right out.

It hurts to see you all hurting.

Can't you see?

That's not what I want.

I want you to get on with it- even though that means getting on with it _without_ me.

I'm glad you've cut up the pictures, TK. I wonder if you _are_ opening up to me after all?

You're right; Dad won't love you for that straight off. He'll throw a fit, but he'll understand after a while. Eventually, he might even thank you. I thank you for it right now.

You know what? I just realised that I never thanked any of the powers that be for letting me have you as a brother. That sounds corny- but it's true. I'm _glad_ you were my brother. The amount of times you've saved me from doing serious damage to myself- times you don't even know anything about- I can't even count. Whenever I thought about stupid things, like killing myself or running away, I looked to you. Your hope was my hope. Still is.

So please don't let your hope die.

I'll still keep you safe, as much as I can. I'll still be here to keep you company when you're alone. Even here to keep you company when you _want_ to be alone. After all, what else are big brothers for if not to be there to give you help when you most need it but least want it?

One day, you _will_ open up to me. And I'll be here waiting. One day soon, you'll be able to sense me, you'll know when I'm here and you'll be able to listen. Maybe that day will come when you're at peace with yourself, I don't know. If the skill of knowing only comes to you then- well, that could be a long time.

But I'll still be here.

You know how impatient I can be, so don't make me wait.

I'm waiting for you to talk back to me, TK, instead of talking _at_ me.

I hope it's soon.

And don't think so low of me, either!

I would never have laughed at you for that.

I just wouldn't have.

You know why?

Because I forgot to tell _you _thatI loved you, too.

_-fini-_

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_Thank you so much for reading to the end :) Hopefully I've managed to entertain you just a little bit :)_


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